This is a Dream In Progress
& So am I
August 24, 2021
“For what it’s worth,
I’m learning to let this be a good thing.”
For what it’s worth, I’m learning to let this be a good thing. You see, if it was up to her you wouldn’t be reading this until every ‘t’ was crossed, ‘i’ was dotted, and at least 100 sets of different eyeballs had laid eyes on these very words - making sure they all agreed. You wouldn’t be reading this until stickers were printed, journals were up for sale, a minimum of a dozen entries prewritten and catalogued with nothing left to do but press submit, and a neatly curated (and verified) instagram. How do I know this? I know this because these are the very things that have kept this dream locked in a Google document and have been paying for not one, but three, unpublished websites for over a year now. Again, I know this because I am her - or at least I was; I’m recovering.
“I know logically that it’s the journey that tells the better story - the whole story.”
I know logically that this is not how things work. I know that there is a process and journey required that is often longer, dirtier, and more complicated than you ever anticipate for it to be. I know logically that it’s the journey that tells the better story - the whole story. I also know that the people I want to take with me on this journey are the one’s that need to see me making my way through it. She, on the other hand, not so much. She doesn’t want to show that to people. She wants to show you put together. She wants you to trust her because “she has her shit together.” When, ironically enough, she doesn’t often even believe the people that present themselves this way.
“Why, because I believe deep within my shaking and weary soul that this will all be worth something”
Anyway, here’s the good news, she doesn’t call the shots anymore. I do. Hey! I’m Becca. So, here I am - a mess. A mess that has decided to at least show up - because that’s worth something. Here I am, with a website that is likely to adapt frequently to what I need it to be - because I am finding out more each day about what I need looks like. Here I am, in the process of recovering from my fatal flaws that have been slowly killing my soul, the lies I’ve told myself for more than twenty years, the apathy I’ve lived in, the perfectionist mindset that stunts any growth I’m reaching for, and truthfully, the fear that I’m not worth the time this dream will take. Here I am, screaming “FUCK THAT SHIT!” Here I am, showing up for you - whoever you are. But most importantly, here I am, showing up for me, writing for me, dreaming for me, trying for me, doing something for me. Why, because I believe deep within my shaking and weary soul that this will all be worth something and it’s time I started acting like it.
“…welcome to my recovery.”
So, to those of you joining me on day one - welcome to my recovery. Thank you for joining me on this journey. I have no idea where it will take us but I believe if you stick around we will both be amazed at how this dream explodes into the plans I have for it and the plans I have yet to make.
To those of you joining me in year 2, 7, 14, 35 or any of the in-betweens, this is where we started. A mess. A recovering mess that showed up when she had no clue of what she was doing but did the thing anyway. I’m glad you’ve decided to believe you are worth something too.
