Thank You for Being a Friend
For what it’s worth, it’s a hard thing to write a piece on friendship when you are currently so damn grateful but that hasn’t always been your experience.
My overwhelming feeling of gratitude has made me want to write this entry for a while now but I’ve struggled to figure out the pacing of it because when it comes to tackling the how these are the questions that I have been running laps around:
Do I give the full backstory and talk about how for the better part of a decade I felt like I had none? Knowing if I do that, I’ll feel compelled to acknowledge that I consciously know I did have friends to not hurt my old friends feelings while still admitting that, at the time, I felt all alone. Where ultimately, I’d try to oversell that it wasn’t their fault… it’s just because that’s what anxiety/depression/overthinking/and misplaced self-esteem does. It distorts truth and I didn’t know how to verbalize that at fifteen.
Do I talk about how I always wondered if everyone just saw me as the person that got the pity invite to the party because “the parents” wanted to make sure no one got left out? When I 100% knew (read: thought) I wasn’t really wanted there and I thought this because that happened all of twice in elementary school and I don’t know how to let shit go.
Do I talk about how I had the best of friends from kindergarten to third grade? How I felt like we ran the school and that we were untouchable because as far as I was concerned we were. And if I do that, do I leave out the part how that feeling ended shortly after changing schools three times after third grade?
Do I spend letters, upon words, upon paragraphs talking about how I hoped for more friends but I just never knew how it’d happen because I clung to overused statements like, “you’ll never have more friends than you did in high school,” or “you’re lucky if you have even three friends in adulthood”?
Or, do I just talk about the good, the great, and the now? Do I ignore the steps it took to get here and act like it’s always been glitter?
Truthfully, I still don’t know. What I do know is this - today is March 31st and I’ll be damned if I let Women’s History Month end (spot me catching that 11:59 deadline) without me celebrating the incredible friendships I have. Friendships I am constantly in awe of. Friendships that took years to build and others that happened in seconds. Reciprocal friendships: the type of friendships that I never thought I would have - one’s that I am poured into as much as I feel like I pour out, if not more. Friendships that make me routinely stop mid conversation because I am so thankful that I made it to this point.
Let it be known that my road to where I am now has not been easy; and believe me when I say this, it has taken me years to get here. Years.
For the better part of eight years most of my friendships were superficial: founded on Etnies Sneakers or Cheer Uniforms. I spent so much time trying to impress people who I knew I couldn’t stand because it seemed better to be included than to be alone. Bless.
Then came the seven years following high school graduation and the amount of people I considered my true friends fluctuated between one and six (family not included) - half of which hadn’t ever met the other. These people are made up of the one friend I kept from high school and the other five I met at work and formed friendships with from doing life together. These ladies became my foundation and I will forever be grateful for them and their consistency in my life. They are worthy of the highest praise (and at some point their own feature piece) because they have been with me through some of the biggest changes in my life and they have loved me through trying to figure out who I am and where my place is on this big blue world.
Honestly, at this point I thought I was set. I had strong friendships with great humans and if these were going to be the only friends I were to have for the rest of my life I would have been content. Sure, we all live about four hours away from each other but they are there for me whenever I need them - and I know that.
Then, a major shift happened over the last two years and that once content number of six multiplied rapidly. I know this because I actually sat down a few months ago and took into account all of the friendships I have. I thought about the people I cheer on and the ones I see doing the same for me. The people I want to show up for and those that have shown up for me. The number came to over two dozen women. (Mind Blown!) Two dozen women I consider my friends. Two dozen women I wouldn’t dare call just acquaintances. Two dozen women I absolutely enjoy the company of. Two dozen women I am elated to know and to have be a part of my world.
So, how did it happen? I would say it was a matter of three things:
I stopped believing people didn’t want to be my friend because I wasn’t cool enough.
When I first met two of my now closest friends I thought they were too cool for me. I was intimidated by who (I thought) they were because of my own negative view of myself. Turns out - I was right, they are dope ass people but, plot twist, they think I’m pretty cool too.
I learned what I actually wanted out of friendship and realized how many of those relationships I had actually already built.
Sure, having people you can party hard with is great fun. But, if you’ve never been a partier - it really does you no good to have that be your standard of friendship. I want friends that are there for me when my world drops - not just when the beat drops. I now know the type of people that make me feel safe, that make me feel brave, that make me feel like I can be myself in whatever capacity that might be. I no longer consider it a loss when I don’t mix well with someone. Yeah sis, I’ll cheer you on but my peace is important too.
I started showing up and doing things I loved for myself and ended up meeting friends in those places that were there doing the same thing for themselves.
In August 2021 I made three life changing friendships with people from completely different states that I wouldn’t have met if I didn’t take a chance on myself and go to a concert and get pictures taken because it was something I wanted to do. I stopped letting other people’s “nos” keep me from saying “yes.”
What’s funny is, I used to think that the basis of great friendships were movie worthy parties but the crowd I surrounded myself with I didn’t really enjoy their company. I was too caught up on who I thought I needed to be for them to like me that I didn’t feel like I could breathe without judgement. Now, I know that the friendships I value more than anything in the world are about sending each other songs to let you know you’re thinking about them, making birthday cakes for their babies, wearing matching pjs at Christmas, and showing up to help clean house. They’re about sleeping on each other’s couches, mourning the loss of pregnancies, and celebrating landing leading roles in feature films. It looks like helping each other unscramble their respective letters. It looks like “what are you doing right now because I have 5 minutes to hug your neck as I drive through your town.” It’s rebuilding old high school friendships because you’ve both grown up since then. It looks like sitting in a dark room binging seasons of tv in silence because you need company but not conversation. It looks like triple texts, two hour debriefing phone calls, and sending messages even though you know there wont be a response because the world is heavy right now but you want to remind them you’re still there. It’s people that love you the same whether you’re full of life rockin’ a crop top taking pictures with pirates, you’re sporting an astronaut costume on a random Tuesday (because why not), or when you’ve been wearing the same sweatshirt for the last three days because you’re mid spiral and your brain and body are at war. They’re there for the 2 AM projects your mania and procrastination drove you to, the 1 PM wake up calls to make sure you’re still breathing, and celebrating a Thursday because life is great and hard. They recognize all parts of you exist and they don’t make you feel like you have to change who you are to share in their company. It looks like sitting in driveways sharing prayers and dreams. It’s not seeing each other in person for over a year and picking up like no time has been lost. It’s supporting their businesses and laughing at the memes they share on Facebook. It’s watching each other grow, fall, and celebrating the humanity of it all. Friendship isn’t glamorous - it’s messy. And it’s these very messy, honest, beautifully broken, head strong, trying-to-figure-it-out women that I want to be partying with as long as I can because they make me feel more like myself than I’ve felt in a long time.
There’s an old proverb that goes: “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.” If this statement does in fact carry any truth, my future will be incredible and I mean that, wholeheartedly.
My friends are creative and ambitious. They’re wives who love their husbands, moms who treasure their babies, and they’re single women who are unapologetic. They’re dream chasers, picture takers, concert goers, and tea drinkers. They believe in themselves, and in others. My friends are bold and ridiculously talented. They are humble and stand up for themselves. They bust ass and protect their peace. They’re prayer warriors, empaths, introverts, and riot starters. They are professionals, they are fun, they are weird, they are compassionate, and they are beautiful.
So sweet friend, I hope it doesn’t take you twenty-seven years to realize you have more people in your corner than you ever realized but if it does, or if it takes longer, know that what the internet says is true: “You still haven’t met all of the people who are going to love you.”